Contagious Yawn Spreading to West Coast
Friday, January 14, 2011
ATLANTA- The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention issued a statement Monday that a highly contagious yawn with origins in the east coast is rapidly spreading and may reach the entire western seaboard by the end of the week.
The CDC estimates that approximately 14 million people have been affected by the highly contagious yawn, in which the infected open their mouths wide to allow for a deep influx of air, accompanied by a stretching of the eardrums. Many have also reported simultaneous cold chills on the scalp and neck.
Victims are also burdened socially, as yawning renders simultaneous vocal communication utterly impossible. Affected citizens are advised not to speak while yawning, so as to avoid spreading the infection, as well as appearing extremely drunk.
The yawn allegedly originated from a 13-year old boy in Westbury, MA, while begrudgingly listening to an episode of NPR’s Prairie Home Companion with his parents. The youth has been detained by the Department of Homeland Security for questioning.
Adults age 65 or older are at the highest risk for infection, due to slower metabolisms and generally mundane lifestyles. Citizens are advised to avoid transmission “hot zones”, such as Bob Evans restaurants, the mall before 8am, or aisles of any supermarket selling Werther’s Original caramels.
The CDC originally theorized that if infected individuals had covered their mouths while yawning, they would would hinder further spread while avoiding being impolite. New research indicates that in addition to seeing a victim yawn, simply hearing a yawn, seeing the word “yawn”, or merely thinking about avoiding the yawn infection can simply cause further spread.
In perhaps the most devastating blow in the CDC’s effort to halt the yawn’s spread, NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams became infected on live television while warning of the recent pandemic activity. Nearly 2.1 million viewers immediately became stricken with the disease, both deaf and blind alike, due to the simultaneous visual and audible stimuli.
During his live 6:00 evening broadcast, Williams was mid-sentence on the origins of the yawn, when his own natural resistance proved to be ineffective.
“The yawn’s origins in Boston were RUH-POOOOORTED…AAAAAHH… .”
Added Williams: “So sleepy.”
Several Washington think tanks have been employed to discuss how to increase awareness and physical alertness without spreading the affliction and counteracting their efforts. A recent nationwide television campaign directed by Martin Scorsese included grainy, dramatic video of political analyst James Carville slaughtering a goat with a hunting knife.
Vaccinations have reduced the spread but may to prove to be too little, too late. Caribou Coffee and Dunkin Donuts have collectively donated approximately 1.8 billion gallons of coffee to the American Red Cross. Large metropolitan areas are quietly adding Jolt cola to the city water supply.
Without far more aggressive efforts by drug manufacturers, the CDC warns that the yawn pandemic could rapidly become global.
“It’s vital that all humans are voluntarily or involuntarily vaccinated while simultaneously keeping them in the dark of its purpose,” said Castro.
Critics argue that mere caffeinenation is an ineffective means to protect the public. “Boredom is an equally potent source of contagion,” American Red Cross Public Affairs Officer Suzanne DeFrancis said. “Most people are aware of this, and yet they still watch The Golf Channel and give work presentations using PowerPoint.”
“Americans are more overstimulated than ever, despite louder music, gorier video games, broader television choices and a limitless number of mindless websites. The body has grown extremely resistant to yesterday’s means of anti-boredom efforts and consequently all known modern efforts have been rendered completely ineffective.”
“God help us all.”
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