Microsoft Enters Auto Industry, Unveils Kwerty Coupe
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
DETROIT– Microsoft Corporation officially entered the US auto industry this week, unveiling it’s new coupe, the Microsoft Kwerty, during a press day keynote address at the North American International Auto Show.
Primarily known for it’s Windows operating system and electronic hardware such as the Zune and Xbox, the technology giant stunned the media by endeavoring into automotive sales.
“Kwerty joins our long line of revolutionary Microsoft products, combining the beloved wedge style of our Windows cursor and intuitive functionality of Microsoft Office,” remarked Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer.
“It’s chock full of mandatory automatic features you’ll learn to love.”
“I bet you all were expecting another great app for Windows Mobile!” remarked Ballmer, as he whisked away a black silk sheet enshrouding the blue 2-door microcar.
Presenting to an incredulous crowd of reporters, industry reps and die-hard Microsoft fans, Ballmer demonstrated the vehicle’s features.
“Kwerty comes standard with a 7” LCD screen in the Ribbon—the ‘dashboard’ to the layman,” said Ballmer. “Here you can do your most frequent tasks, like web search with Bing, listen to your Zune, or get driving directions with a flawless GPS integrated with Microsoft Virtual Earth.”
“For driving directions, anybody with a rudimentary comprehension of VisualBasic coding can easily program a route macro,” continued Ballmer. “Simply hook up a PS/2 keyboard to the Ribbon input, type ‘ActiveRoute.Home.Start=true Then’, and enter the final instruction of “Reroute=yes:Endpoint= LATLONG:Visibleroute=true”.
“Coding is even expedited with a substring ‘Delimiter’ button on the console! It’s that simple. For the neophytes, the 1,400-page owner’s manual is entirely available online.”
Ballmer added that if a driving course is altered, or is not recognized from a pre-loaded database of possible route combinations, the display map will underline the intended path on the LCD screen in a squiggly red line. Immediately an “Autocourse” feature will activate, forcing the vehicle back onto what it understands as correct navigation.
To override the navigation, the operator must stop, back up momentarily, and then continue in their proposed direction.
Microsoft assures ease of use for all drivers, including an animated interactive console assistant named Luggy, a cartoon lugnut which will help you operate the Kwerty.
The product demonstration was far from flawless.
While sitting in the driver’s seat and demonstrating adjustable seat spacing with the “Kerning” lever, the auto-spacing feature took over, and abruptly defaulted to a preset spacing, hurtling him forward and smashing Ballmer against the windshield.
He was not seriously injured and smoothly quipped, “Moving right along. That must be why we’re not shipping Kwerty yet”.
Ballmer acknowledged the Kwerty’s known issues, but promised they would be resolved before the updated car hits the market.
“During recent test runs, the vehicle has suddenly become unstable and crashed if too many windows were open at the same time. We advise consumers not to attempt such a thing.”
He pointed out that 40% of crashes are caused by drivers neglecting to brake properly or back up regularly. In response, Microsoft has added an onboard CPU with a fully self-aware Neuronet processor, capable of making intelligent decisions on the fly, overriding instructions it deems unfit.
“If the CPU notices that you’ve gone five minutes without stopping and backing up, the ‘Auto Backup’ will engage, slowing you to a complete stop before allowing you to continue,” said Ballmer.
“In the unlikely event of a crash, the driver can exit in a matter of minutes by simultaneously pressing the Alternator, Control Arm and Delimiter coding button.”
Although Kwerty seats up to two passengers, each operator must register individual user licenses. Profiles are transmitted to the on-board computer in a thorough process of “downloading drivers”.
While most will use the vehicle for simple point-A-to-point-B functions, Microsoft has included several additional add-ons. Each Kwerty ships with 22 boxes of extras, including black silhouette “screen bean” decals, twelve spare tires and nine extra rolls of upholstery, with which Microsoft hopes will enhance the driving experience, although experts estimate that the boxes may simply occupy up to 60% of the free space in an average-sized garage.
Sources indicate that the Kwerty costs around $11,000 to manufacture, despite a base price of $5,000.
“We’re just going to chip away at the market share and undercut every major US automaker until the populace has no choice but to buy one,” said Ballmer.
“Just wait ‘til you see what we’ve got planned for the oil industry.”
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