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PETA Protests Natural Selection; 17 Members Devoured In Serengeti

TANZANIA- Seventeen protesters from People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals have been hunted, killed and eaten in East Africa during PETA’s March Against Natural Selection.

The animal rights organization, known for using controversial tactics to attract media attention, traveled to Africa’s Serengeti region to take a stand against more than 20 species practicing primeval carnivorism.

“Every creature on earth has feelings,” said  PETA Action Team Manager Pulin Modi.  “This behavior has gone on for long enough.  Just because it’s a so-called ‘instinct’ doesn’t make it right to hunt and eat other animals.”

Modi said that the majority of wildlife in the Serengeti flourish as herbivores.

“Look at the hippo.  Look at the zebra, the gazelle, the wildebeest.  They’re healthy, active members of this ecosystem and their diets consist of zero percent savagery,” said Modi.  “Eating animals is cruel.  And as animals, they’re hypocrites.  Hypocrites!”

Lioness Stalking a crowd of partially nude PETA protesters

By nightfall, the group's numbers were dwindling.

The partially nude protestors began their march Thursday just outside the Kenyan border, moving westward into the vast Tanzanian plain.  Despite starting with a large crowd, numbers have been rapidly decreasing since entering territory largely occupied by alpha predators.

After witnessing a lioness stalk and kill a sickly antelope, protestor Abigail Chaston approached the dining feline and her cubs, squirting them with water from a spray bottle in an apparent attempt of negative reinforcement.

Within moments, an adult male lion leapt from behind a cover of savannah grassland and pounced on Chaston’s back, pinning her under his claws.

“OH, GOD!  SOMEBODY SHOOT IT!” screamed Chaston, seconds before the 500-lb feline positioned her head within his razor-sharp, fang-lined mandibles and tore off her head with a swift bite.  Protesters booed and threw rocks as the rest of the pride descended on Chaston, ripping bloody chunks of flesh from her mangled corpse.

A male lion attacks a partially nude PETA protester.

PETA protester Abigial Chaston was reportedly "barely substantial".

“Abigail was a vegan, so they’re not even going to get anything substantial out of her, anyway,” commented Modi.  Becoming frustrated at another martyred supporter, Modi turned to the pride and screamed, “Keep smacking your lips, you savages!  Meat is murder!”

PETA’s efforts appear to have had an adverse effect on indigenous wildlife, who have escalated their daily hunts to target the protestors.  Nevertheless, the participants have remained unfazed.

“Violence should never beget violence,” said Modi, to the sounds of Chaston’s flesh being torn to pieces.  “We refuse to become aggressive and falter in the face of their senseless hostility, and we will not leave until they back down.”

A lion eats a bloody chunk of meat

The indigenous wildlife were barely fazed by PETA's presence.

Shortly after the lions fed and dispersed, protesters linked arms and formed a human wall around Chaston’s remains to repel scavenging vultures.

“They can ignore us all they’d like,” said PETA supporter Tim Rochlovsky, as he doused himself in fake blood.  “But there’s still at least another thirty of us who won’t quit until they realize the error of their ways.”

“Oh, my bad,” corrected Rochlovsky.  “There’s nineteen of us now.”

As of press time, reports indicate that as nightfall approached, the dwindling crowd was being surrounded by a ravenous pack of hyenas.

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